I was working with a client one time, and we were looking at bereavement.
He was struggling to get over the death of a relative who had at times treated him horrendously; at others caring, nurturing and extremely kind.
7 years on my client was still having nightmares – in which he was a small child again, being subjected to the emotional abuse from which he could not escape.
I explained gently to my client that when we lose someone with whom we have had a difficult relationship, it can be extremely hard to come to terms with.
In fact much more so than getting over the loss of someone we have had a positive relationship with.
Working together, we considered this.
“Surely”, he said “I should have been able to say – Thank Goodness that evil man is no longer on this Earth?”
But just as their relationship, in the Living Years, had been so complicated, it has been the same in Death.
For my client there were so many loose ends, so many questions – “Why? Why did you treat me like that?, I was the child - you were the adult! Why? Why were you so kind, so cruel, so changeable?”
Considering this further we looked at our human expectations of each other. In childhood we watch films, read books, play games, and through this we gain a sense of our world.
We get the idea that people are either Good or Evil, right or wrong, powerful or downtrodden.
Once my client understood that it was “normal” to feel both love and hate for this person, and that his sense of confusion and myriad of thoughts was “OK”, he was able to move forward and give himself permission to truly grieve.
Counselling is a very helpful way to cope when you have lost someone.
I have been Counselling people with bereavement issues for many years. If you have lost someone and are struggling to cope, counselling could be of great help to you.
Click here to view my website New Perspectives Counselling
or give me a call on 01934 642976. I will be happy to arrange some counselling sessions for you.
Marléne Shaw
BA Hons. App Psych,
Adv. Dips. Counselling,
MBACP
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As a counsellor in private practice I have found the book Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway an extremely rewarding experience to read and a highly useful tool to help people.
I would highly recommend it to anyone. Whether you are struggling with a problem at the moment, or feel that life is good, you will get something from this book. Susan Jeffers inspires us with many active techniques and profound ideas that have helped millions of people to embrace their fears and move forward to a happier and healthier life.
Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway looks at the basic core of human fear:
- Fear of failing.
- Fear of succeeding.
- Fear of decisions.
- Fear of aging, of loss or of helplessness.
We see fear as something negative which we must endeavour to get rid of.
However this books fundamental principle is that your aim should not be to get rid of your fears.
Instead, you should feel your fear, but not let it stop you from doing things you really want to do.
In essence then it is about embracing your fear.
The book describes three levels of fear:
- The Fear of the actual event – for example losing your job.
- The fear, triggered by the first level – for example rejection (if being fired would make you feel rejected).
- The fear that you won’t be able to cope.
Susan Jeffers promotes the idea that if you knew in advance that you could cope then there would be nothing to fear – thus fear of being unable to cope is at the root of all fear.
Therefore the best way to manage your fear, isn’t to try and avoid situations or make your life safer – but instead to increase your faith in your abilities and coping mechanisms.
Susan Jeffers illustrates this point using several stories of people who have lessened their enjoyment of life in order to keep safe.
In doing so they don’t reduce their fear but in fact continue to live in everlasting fear. When some catastrophic event interfered with their reduced existence (say a bereavement), some of them found that they were forced to truly experience life, and that they could cope.
Susan Jeffers is a great proponent of the use of positivity as a way to reduce fear. Fell The Fear and Do It Anyway argues that you need to make a conscious effort to constantly train your thinking to be positive and let go of negativity.
As a counsellor I have recommended this book to countless clients who have gained great benefit from reading it and accessing the techniques described.
If you are struggling with your self esteem and lack of confidence counselling is a perfect way to help. A qualified counsellor can work alongside you, helping you to discuss your fears and learn new ways of being in your world. If you are interested in counselling in Weston-super-Mare, please click the link here to view my website.
http://www.npcounselling.co.uk
Marléne Shaw is a highly qualified and experienced counsellor, with many years experience in helping people from all walks of life.
In my counselling practice in Weston super Mare, I often see people who are struggling to manage their anger. If you reach a point where you can no longer deal with the difficult situations in life, you are likely to either: become very depressed, or be excessively angry at the person or thing that caused the problem.
Anger is a natural part of life. Some anger is not something to be worried about, it is not an abnormal state of mind but in fact is a normal and healthy reaction of the person’s mind and body to a certain situation that didn’t agree with them.
However when anger becomes out of control it can be very harmful to yourself and to those around you. If your anger has become out of control it can result in loss of a job, loss of your home, loss of relationships and have many other detrimental affects.
There are two ways to look at controlling or “managing” anger.
Firstly, consider, is there some deep rooted cause? Perhaps there is something traumatic from the past that you haven’t dealt with. We can often find ourselves reacting in the “here and now” to something or someone from the past that has caused us great pain and sadness. Quite often we are not even aware that we are doing this!
Counselling is a great way to look at painful issues in a safe and confidential environment. In counselling you can speak your mind without fear of being judged.
Secondly, learn some specific behavioural techniques, such as recognising when anger is arising, and make a positive and clear choice to deal with it.
Practice some relaxation techniques, learn to meditate, watch your lifestyle habits such as drinking too much alcohol, poor diet or lack of exercise.
Again counselling is a great way to help make changes. A good counsellor will help you to look at unhelpful patterns of behaviour, and consider new ways of doing things. Counselling can help you to become more aware of your beliefs about yourself and the world, and to practice changing these to be more positive and happy.
Over the years I have helped many people overcome their anger problems; to move forward to a happier and healthier life, with more positive and rewarding relationships.
If you are struggling to manage your anger, and you would like to have some counselling sessions, give me a call on:
01934 642976
or click this link to visit my website at:
You can visit me for counselling in Weston super Mare, at my private practice, or we can arrange some online or telephone sessions for you.
You can email me at http://www.npcounselling.co.uk/contact.php
I offer the first session completely free of charge so that we can see that I am the right counsellor to help you.
I am a counsellor in Weston super Mare, in my practice I see many clients who are suffering anxiety attacks.
A certain amount of stress can be part of everyday life. We all have times where we worry about some perceived stressful event, such as speaking in public or an upcoming job interview.
However sometimes that stress becomes overwhelming and we begin to suffer a sense of anxiety that takes over our lives.
Having an anxiety attack is a frightening experience. The symptoms are both emotional and physical. More or less all the anxiety symptoms are quite well known because over the years people have experienced anxiety. The usual symptoms are prolific sweating, ‘lump in the throat’, palpitations, twitching, dry mouth, chest pain and shortness of breath or wheezing.
Whilst these experiences are very synonymous with anxiety attacks, it is always important to visit your GP to eliminate any physical reasons for these symptoms.
Don’t be worried about visiting your GP, as I have said, anxiety attacks are much more common than people realise and your GP will have seen many, many patients who are have had the same experiences as you are having. so don’t feel that you are different, or be embarrassed.
I cant say this too many times……… ANXIETY ATTACKS ARE VERY COMMON!
When people experience anxiety attacks (panic attacks) they often feel that they are the only one, that they are going mad, that there is something terribly wrong with them, that they should be embarrassed, that they are weak etc etc.
The fact is that a huge percentage of people will experience an anxiety attack at least once in their lives.
The problem that occurs is what I call the “WHAT IF” experience. It goes like this…..
1. You experience a panic attack because you are under some stress, either current or from the past or a mixture of the two
2. It feels so awful, so terrifying, and embarrassing
3. You think “WHAT IF” it happens again
4. Those “WHAT IF” worries induce another anxiety attack
5. It feels so awful, so terrifying, and embarrassing
… and so a cycle of anxiety is formed.
The trick is to get to the root of what has caused you to feel so stressed in the first place.
CAUSES OF ANXIETY ATTACKS
Think about your current situation. How is your work, income, relationships, health etc? Are you still carry some pain from your childhood? A past relationship? Do you lack self confidence?
There may be some external factor that is causing your anxiety; perhaps you are in a difficult and damaging relationship, or perhaps you are in the wrong job.
On the other hand there may be some traumatic incident which took place in your past which is the cause. Very often anxiety is caused by both of these. You may be in an unhelpful situation now, due to a lack of self esteem brought on by past issues. Perhaps you keep getting into unhelpful situations because of the past and this just feeds your low self esteem.
In either case counselling can help to alleviate and manage anxiety. A good counsellor will help you to look at past incidents, to express the pain and anger you feel and let go of all that hurt. A good counsellor will also be able to help you to build your self esteem and help you to make changes in your current situation.
Counselling offers you a safe and confidential space to speak freely and to explore your experiences so that you can make sense of your feelings.
If you are experiencing anxiety and would like to have some counselling sessions, give me a call on:
01934 642976
or click this link to visit my website at:
You can visit me for counselling in Weston super Mare, at my private practice, or we can arrange some online or telephone sessions for you.
You can email me at http://www.npcounselling.co.uk/contact.php
I offer the first session completely free of charge so that we can see that I am the right counsellor to help you.
What Is A Belief?
A Belief is “something accepted as absolutely true and doest need to be proved.
For example :
When Winter comes it gets colder and when Summer comes it gets warmer
You have no proof of this, but general daily life has taught you that it seems very likely.
This is a rational belief, and most of us share it. In fact, the absence of this belief would probably mean we didn’t know how to dress appropriately to the weather!
Here are a couple of not so rational beliefs:
“I always know that I am going to be let down in a relationship.”
“Other people are better than me.”
We can all get caught up in these negative ways of thinking. We just KNOW they are true! Therapists call these beliefs “Mistaken Certainties”.
Here are some positive beliefs
“I know that I can succeed at what I am doing”.
“I am a likeable person”
A person holding these beliefs is much more likely to be content, loving, happy – and successful.
What Does Your Belief Map Look Like?
We have hundreds of self beliefs that go through our subconscious, and conscious mind on a daily basis. Our belief system is like a complicated map, brought about by our experiences and influences through life.
We experience our beliefs through thoughts. These thoughts drive our emotions, our feelings about ourselves and the world around us.
Our Belief Map can be so embedded within us that we don’t even recognise it.
Try the following exercises. Get a pen and paper handy.
- Write down Ten Important Things about you .Don’t think too hard and don’t spend more than 2 minutes on it.
For example
- I believe my looks are……..
- I believe my personality is……..
- I believe my health is
- I believe my friends are…
- I believe my intelligence is….
- Write down Ten Important Things about the world as you see it .Don’t think too hard and don’t spend more than 2 minutes on it. Leave a gap between the sentences
Some examples might be
- I believe good-looking people get more attention.
- I believe most people can’t be trusted.
- I believe most people are genuine.
We often associate our beliefs with major events in our lives and how that made us think about the world.
Make a list of a few major events in your life.
For example
- When someone close to me died, I decided God didn’t exist
- When I won the prize for the competition I realised I was clever.
- When my friend let me down I decided MOST people couldn’t be trusted
- When I was swimming with dolphins I realised there is alot more to the universe than going to work everyday
Challenge Your Mistaken Uncertainties – Create a New Belief Map
Now you have a list of your personal beliefs. YOUR PERSONAL BELIEFS are what make you do what you do in YOUR life and get what you get from YOUR life.
There’s an old saying
“You only get out of life what you put in”
……..and that includes your thoughts and beliefs, in fact that includes them in a BIG way!
If you think about those beliefs that are positive you will see how they have directly contributed to all the good things in your life, those things that you have achieved, be they great relationship, friends, career, business etc.
Likewise you can identify what holds you back in life, those “Mistaken Certainties” that block you from achieving what you want, whether that is better relationships, health, work, family etc.
Look again at your Mistaken Certainties. Ask yourself:
- Is this belief about something that has happened in the past and is completely out of date and irrelevant – why am I still carrying it around with me?
- Is this belief a complete over generalisation? Am I assuming ALL people behave in a certain way because of a few bad experiences?
- Is my belief more about fear of failure, than actual reality? I haven’t even tried to do what I want to achieve yet.
Consider your negative statements. Your Mistaken Certainties, are just that,
- mistaken.
Go back to your list of statements. – but this time follow each of them with statements such as
“I don’t have to carry this belief around with me if I CHOOSE not to”
“I deserve to be respected. I CHOOSE to be around people who truly respect me and treat me well.”
“What’s the point in not doing something because I might fail? I’m going to be nervous anyway – that’s human nature.
If it works GREAT
IF it doesn’t I’ve learned something and can move on.”
Once you have challenged these negative and mistaken beliefs you will find that your life starts to turn around. You are aware of them now and you will find yourself catching yourself thinking them.
Each time you catch yourself,
CHALLENGE that belief with a more positive one.
After a while your Belief Map will alter so that you have much more positivity in your life, feel more confident and see much improvement in what you desire and wish to achieve.
I hope this has been of some help to get you started on your path to more positive thinking.
If you would like to further explore your beliefs and the way they affect your life with some useful and fun exercises, I have a great workshop you can download here.
http://np-lifecounselling.com/worksheets.htm
We all need a little help sometimes. To seek help is a sign of bravery. If you feel you would benefit from some counselling sessions please do call or email me.
(+44) 01934 642976
©2009New Perspectives Counselling
- 1. SMILE
It takes seventy-two muscles to frown, and only fourteen to smile. Smile at someone in the street, you’ll be amazed at how they smile back. You will feel your spirits and their spirits lift immediately. Smile at the person on the till, on the bus, at the traffic lights. Go on give it a try.
- 2. LET GO OF NEGATIVE THOUGHTS
Got those same old grumbling “poor me” thoughts going round and round in your head. Make a decision NOT to think about them for today. Write down the thing that is making you feel grumpy on a piece of paper. Screw it up and throw it in the bin. Every time a negative thought enters your mind, just state “I release all negative thoughts today”
- 3. FEEL GRATITUDE
Are you aware of how much you have to be grateful for? Think about all that you have in your life from the big things to the smallest. If you are reading this then you have your sight! Take a look at my Gratitude page at http://www.np-lifecounselling.com/gratitude.htm
- 4. DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE ELSE
Doing something for someone else really lifts your spirits. It reminds you of what you have to offer and unites you with other human beings. Have you ever noticed how people all pull together in a time of crisis? Why not just help someone for the sake of it. It may be the start of a great new friendship or bring you closer to someone already in your life.
- 5. IGNORE THE NEWS
Yes we all like to keep up with the news, but today just catch the headlines, don’t sit there listening, watching and allowing all the doom and gloom of the world to infiltrate your thought processes. The news will happen anyway whether you keep focusing on it or not.
- 6. MAKE A LIST
We all put off doing those tiresome tasks but then they are still there niggling away at the back of our minds. “ I MUST” - “I OUGHT” – I SHOULD are 3 major No, No’s! Instead make a list of those tasks that have been bothering you. It will give you a sense of control over them.
- 7. DO AT LEAST ONE THING ON YOUR LIST
Do you have your list already? OK do AT LEAST one thing on that list, or if you really can’t find the time today, make an appointment with yourself in your diary for when you WILL do it. You will feel a lot better and have a sense of achievement, and a release from that nagging voice!
- 8. TAKE SOME EXCERCISE
Exercise releases endorphins (or as I like to call them “ol dolphins”) in the brain and gives us a sense of calmness. Whether it’s a full scale run or a gentle roam around the garden or flat, DO IT, then give yourself a pat on the back for being such a healthy soul.
- 9. FIND SOMETHING TO LAUGH AT
Humour is so inspiring; it puts us all in such a positive frame of mind. Done something daft? Don’t berate yourself, you are just human, laugh at yourself and congratulate yourself for being part of the human race – we are all wonderful!
Find a book or a film that is comical, and spend some time lifting your spirits, a good roar of laughter is worth a million to have a positive day.
- 10. WRITE AN AFFIRMATION
Take a piece of paper, or a note book and write a Positive Affirmation, say it out loud several times, and post it up somewhere where you will see it often. The fridge door or a bathroom mirror is a good place. See my Affirmations page at
http://www.np-lifecounselling.com/affirmations.htm
to learn more about how to write good affirmations.
And most of all………
HAVE A HAPPY AND POSITIVE DAY!
These tips are a great way to boost your day and put yourself in a positive frame of mind. However we all have times in our lives when we need some help to cope with emotional concerns. If you would like to have some counselling sessions, please contact me.
(+44) 01934 642976
http://www.npcounselling.co.uk/contact.htm
©2009New Perspectives Counselling
There’s alot of information and interest about Gratitude lately. With the dawn of positive psychology over the past ten years, and with films and book s such as The Secret it feels as though everyone has something to say on the subject.
It’s great to remember how lucky we are for our friends and family, for the sunshine, for our sight, hearing, mobility etc; and Wow doesn’t it just boost you when you realise what you have!
However I would like to explore the subject of gratitude a little further. I guess one could coin it “Deep Gratitude.”
At one point in my life I went through a very bad experience. Someone I was associated with did something very , very ,wrong to me. In the event I lost my home and had a real struggle to get my life back together.
A few months later just getting back on my feet, I was chatting with a friend one day and I found myself telling her that I was grateful for what had happened to me. She seemed very surprised.
“How can you be grateful for that!” was her response.
I explained to her that I was still angry with the behaviour that was inflicted on me, but as time had gone on, I had realised all the positive lessons that I learned from that experience.
I had learned that I could be strong, that I could (as Susan Jeffers states in her wonderful book) Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway.
I had learned that it would be helpful for me to be more discerning about the people I mixed with.
I had been reminded that I was a valid and worthy human being who deserved to be loved and respected – so it would be a good idea to avoid those who didn’t treat me accordingly in the future.
The financial distress that the situation caused me, spurred me on to work harder at my career and now I am successful where before I had been just treading water.
I grew much closer to my family who I realised would be there for me when I needed them.
All these “positives” came about because of the very “negative” experience I had had.
Today I am very grateful for that experience. (Dreadful as it was at the time, that I had to go through the natural process of hurt, anger and pain. I guess there is gratitude in that too; the recognition that I am a sensitive and caring human being who feels emotions – and I like that about me.
So my message is – we can be grateful for ALL our experiences in life.
Sometimes when we are experiencing the bad times, its hard to think that one day we could possibly look back at this and see the positives. By working through our problems with a professional counsellor, we can move forward to a happier and healthier life.
If you feel you would like some counselling, please contact me at
Our beliefs about the world and our values have a direct impact on all areas of our lives.
We attain our values from different sources. In the beginning we learn our values from significant people in our lives, our parents, our carers, our teachers and so forth.
We are told to tell the truth, share our toys, and be considerate of others.
If we grow up in a religious background we will acquire some values through this, and as we go out into the world we will find that our peer’s values will also influence us.
As we get older we admire people in the public eye, be they celebrities, sports people, writers, scientists, artists; we like what they do and how they live, or have lived, their lives and we aspire to be the same.
Our values in essence become ingrained deeply within us, to a point where we often don’t even stop to consider them anymore. By being so unaware of our personal values we often lack self-awareness and become lost in the world. We tend to let life just happen, without stopping to consider how it fits with us as a person.
Why have we become so lacking in self awareness? What causes us to blindly rush in to situations without a thought for the future consequences?
It seems in today’s wonderful age of technology we have become used to “instant gratification.”
We can access information at the click of a button, enjoy all forms of visual and audio entertainment for pennies; contact our friends instantly wherever they are in the world. We can download instant applications on our phones, play games online, “virtually” exercise indoors, and travel the world on our laptops. The stream of immediate satisfaction through technology is exciting, it’s innovative and it’s wonderful!
On a parallel we are less happy, have more divorces, more family break downs, more mental health concerns, more financial extremes and more general discontent.
The question I ask is “Have we become instant gratification junkies?”
Have we become used to being spellbound by what is offered to us on a plate? Are we inclined to just grab at anything vaguely exciting because it will bring us instant happiness?
And have we translated that into our “way of being” in the world?
It seems as though we have become so used to seeking the next emotional buzz that we forget to stop, hit the pause button and consider whether this relationship, job, business venture, etc really “fits” with who we are?
Most of us can relate to that amazing dizzy heights, mind blowing, roller coaster feeling of meeting someone and “falling in love”. He or She is the one for me. Oh I am so happy. Because I am “in love”! This is the perfect relationship… – Is it?
What are that persons values? What are yours? Do your values match?
Once that initial (rollercoaster, honeymoon period) “buzz” has faded what are we left with? If our values don’t match its easy to get into a cycle of mutual blame because that person isn’t the person we want them to be? Is it really fair to blame someone because you didn’t take the time to check out the goods before you bought?
Then there is that well paying, high profile, job we chased after; the income, the property, the cars, the holidays etc. Fantastic!
There you are surrounded by all that material wealth, AND the money to fund all the technology you could want, so that you can feed your desire for yet more instant gratification.…
I’m not saying we shouldn’t all have true love, wealth and abundance in our lives – we all deserve it, but stop for a moment and make sure you and that job, person, financial investment, business opportunity etc, are a good match. Does the job itself bring you true happiness? Do you relate to and enjoy the tasks you perform each day at work? Do you relate to the people?
Ask anyone to tell you their values and they will state that they are kind, considerate, friendly etc.
If they are truly honest they may throw in a mention of “well I can be a bit of a perfectionist, a bit serious at times” etc.
The point is there are no RIGHT or WRONG values. There are just YOUR values. Sometimes they may not be working for you and it’s useful to take a look at them and see if things could be done in a more helpful way.
At the end of the day though, the most important thing is to stop and consider carefully before rushing in to anything. Take a look at your personal values before you enter a new venture of any sort.
If you are caught up in something right now and feeling discontent, take a look at your values, and see if it is time to make a change.
Counselling is a great way to take stock, to explore our values, to let go of past concerns and gain confidence in our true selves.
If you interested in some Counselling sessions, contact me at
By Marléne Shaw
