Bereavement Can Be Complicated
I was working with a client one time, and we were looking at bereavement.
He was struggling to get over the death of a relative who had at times treated him horrendously; at others caring, nurturing and extremely kind.
7 years on my client was still having nightmares – in which he was a small child again, being subjected to the emotional abuse from which he could not escape.
I explained gently to my client that when we lose someone with whom we have had a difficult relationship, it can be extremely hard to come to terms with.
In fact much more so than getting over the loss of someone we have had a positive relationship with.
Working together, we considered this.
“Surely”, he said “I should have been able to say – Thank Goodness that evil man is no longer on this Earth?”
But just as their relationship, in the Living Years, had been so complicated, it has been the same in Death.
For my client there were so many loose ends, so many questions – “Why? Why did you treat me like that?, I was the child - you were the adult! Why? Why were you so kind, so cruel, so changeable?”
Considering this further we looked at our human expectations of each other. In childhood we watch films, read books, play games, and through this we gain a sense of our world.
We get the idea that people are either Good or Evil, right or wrong, powerful or downtrodden.
Once my client understood that it was “normal” to feel both love and hate for this person, and that his sense of confusion and myriad of thoughts was “OK”, he was able to move forward and give himself permission to truly grieve.
Counselling is a very helpful way to cope when you have lost someone.
I have been Counselling people with bereavement issues for many years. If you have lost someone and are struggling to cope, counselling could be of great help to you.
Click here to view my website New Perspectives Counselling
or give me a call on 01934 642976. I will be happy to arrange some counselling sessions for you.
Marléne Shaw
BA Hons. App Psych,
Adv. Dips. Counselling,
MBACP
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